NCL Breakaway to Bermuda | Obviously, I lost my mind when I decided to step into the Free Fall Slide…

I’ve already taken you through the episode of the Ropes Course.  Let’s call it: Coursegate.

Now, let’s move on, because you know, why stop at the Ropes Course when there are possibly more things to make you lose your life?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I had the safety harness removed, gathered the bag holding my towel and whatever else, and headed to the Aqua Park.  I promptly shed my shorts, tee, sneakers and socks and headed up the stairs to the Aqua Park attendant.  I was told to step on a scale. Okay. If the cut off is about 300 pounds, why am I being weighed?  Clearly I am nowhere near your cut off number.  But, whatever.

I saw several people coming from another set of stairs and handing in what looked like hard flotation devices strapped to their backs with a snap around the waist.  One was quickly taken from the attendant and handed to me.  In went my arms, the snap around the waist, and then I was climbing what could have been two or three flights of stairs.  I found myself on a landing with another attendant.  I walked towards one of the receptacles of the dual Water Slides.  I was nervous, but ready.

“Oh, you can’t wear that here. That’s for the Free Fall,” said the Aqua Park attendant.

Um, what?

He motioned to another set of stairs.

I turned around, looked up and there it was: The Free Fall.

I walked towards it and climbed the stairs. Another attendant was waiting.  (Now, I’m thinking back…’Where there really stairs or am I imagining things?’)

I asked: “How does this work?” looking at the clear capsule-like thing in front of me.

He tells me,  “Just relax, step in. It’s no big deal. It’s easy.”

I ask if I should crisscross my arms over my chest.

“Yes,” he said.

I step in, I feel a floor beneath my feet but it appears thin and hollow. I tell him I need a minute.  He tells me to relax, there will be a countdown and to “smile for the camera.”

No sooner did he utter the words, the capsule door was closed, I began shaking and thought: ‘I change my mind…I want to get out of this thing….I need more time to think.’

3…2…1…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I don’t know if it was “1” and then the floor disappeared, or if the floor disappeared as the capsule announcement said “1”.  All I know is, the floor shifted away, I remember being lucid enough to realize I’d begun to fall and my crossed arms were shaking and I had loosened them uncontrollably.  I was panicking.  I kept falling.  And falling.  And falling.

I had no control of my body.  I felt I was falling to my death.  It was like one of those bad dreams where you’re falling down a canyon or off a cliff and you just keep falling — leaving your body behind.  I thought my heart was going to stop.

I kid you not. That’s how I felt.

The next thing I knew, I was dumped harshly and unceremoniously in a semi-seated position in a pool of shallow water creating a huge splash and water gushed up my nose, immediately producing a burning sensation.

I slowly got my bearings, sat up and crawled over and out of the receptacle.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Obviously, I lost my mind when I decided to step into the Free Fall Slide…

Why?

Because although I clearly felt I had just escaped death, a few minutes later, I was climbing the stairs again to the Water Slides.  After several minutes of hesitation, allowing fearless little boys go before me, I stepped in, sat down, placed my hands overhead to the handle bar, and pushed off.

I was whipping, whipping, whipping down an enclosed and dark slide with such force — G-force, maybe, at the corners — that was never-ending.  All I remember thinking — yes, I was thinking — were things like:

Oh my God! Oh my God! Jesus Christ, help me! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Oh. Sh*t.

(Hopefully, all is forgiven for taking so many names in vain.  Shoot, I could have called for the anti-Christ at that point. I was so desperate for this nightmare to be over.)

There was a huge splash, and I ended up semi-seated in a pool of shallow water.

I got my bearings, slowly getting myself to an upright position and crawled out of the receptacle — shaking.

No sooner did I get out, a little boy, maybe about 8 or 9, was dumped in the shallow receptacle next to mine. He jumped up and asked, “Was it dark in your slide???”

What kid?  Are you seriously talking to me right now???!!!

“No, not very,” I said, shrugging my shoulders (as my knee knocked and I barely caught my breath).  I played it cool.

*motions in my head three fingers blowing finger tips like gun barrel — and placement in make-believe holster*

BOSS.

I promptly made my way to my bag, retrieved my towel, put on my flip flops, and got the h*ll off the d*mn deck still shaking. I went straight to our cabin and called for The Mother — and announced, I need a drink, a shower and to use the bathroom…Although not necessarily in that order.

First time. Last time. I’m never doing those again.  I’m too old for that craziness to be repeated.

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12 thoughts on “NCL Breakaway to Bermuda | Obviously, I lost my mind when I decided to step into the Free Fall Slide…

    • You should have seen his face — rosy cheeks and all, practically jumping out of the water and already ready to run up the towered stairs to do it all over again. It was like, “Kid, enjoy this now, 40 years from now, you’ll be thinking, ‘Oh, my, God, am I having a heart attack?!'”

    • I’ll tell you what I was thinking…nothing. As I said, I obviously lost my d*mn mind.

      You know, seriously, I could have had a heart attack. That was how frightening it was. F-r-i-g-h-t-e-n-i-n-g. Jesus.

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