Life feels like a walk on a tightrope.

I go through these periods of silence where my mind needs to get away.  I need to step away — step away from putting pen to paper publicly.  I used to stress constantly (but now only occasionally) about churning out a blog post. Not anymore.  I post when I have something to say…when my heart moves me.

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The foodie adventures have come to a bit of a standstill.  Not a bad thing since my poor waistline has suffered.  *looks down and shakes head*  My travels have come to a standstill.  This, too, is not a bad thing.  There is still an economic downturn (hello?) and as the holidays creep up, this wallet has few bills and more change. *looks over at wallet and shakes head*

So, my job search. The story of my life, the thing that consumes my mind most of the time since the ball dropped on January 1, 2013.  So far, I’ve had one face-to-face meeting with an executive recruiter.  Optimistic?  I have to be.  Negativity breeds negativity, and right now, there’s no room for that in my life sucking out what precious oxygen I need to breathe.  I also recently reconnected by e-mail with another executive recruiter, who, it seems, is alarmed at my decision to leave my industry completely.  However, after reading a job description of some “wonderful” place where there was an opening, and discovered it wasn’t so “wonderful” after a quick Google search, I’m not so sure about her.  It isn’t that difficult to discover a company’s dirty laundry on the most widely used search engine.  I passed on pursuing the position.  I am sure she wasn’t pleased once she read my e-mail, but if she wants me to think I should stay within the industry, she’d better be careful what she shares with me in the future.

Last week, things were good at the office.  Somehow with several changes I made in various places on the Web over the past six months and launching two additional social media pages for our company in August, we landed on the first page of Google in organic search results.  A huge “win” for me — guess I could add it to my resume and/or mention it during an interview — but today, a new work week begins.  I am proud of what I accomplished, but I take things one day at a time.  Gone are the days that I ride a high.

Yesterday when I spoke with one of my family members, I mentioned I was pleased to be “gainfully employed”, and I am (thank God).  But, things are completely and increasingly uncomfortable and, dare I say, precarious.  I just have an awful feeling constantly.  Not a good way to live.

Life feels like a walk on a tightrope.

To be continued.

Not seeking, but finding things anyway.

In one week, I came across several items from my life long ago.  They weren’t being sought, I just found them.

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Sometimes when you look back at things with a fresh pair of eyes, you have to wonder about yourself.

There was a scathing e-mail I found sent to one of the executives I work with (yes, I still have to work with this person).  It wasn’t very long, but I did not hold back.  I ripped that clown to shreds and I carbon copied my then boss and human resources.  Holy sh*t.  When I read and re-read the e-mail, even with all the detail, I didn’t remember the incident at all — not one thing.  Sure, it was about 8 or 9 years ago, but you would think I’d remember the incident that brought Fire and Brimstone and Hell Hath No Fury Like A Pint Sizer.  I drew a complete blank.  I’m surprised I wasn’t fired.

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Not only does something show your age, but how outdated your life may be.

I also found the job posting (for the company where I still work to this day), a copy of the resume I used when I applied, my cover letter, the internal announcement to all staff when I was hired and a few other related items.  Things were so much simpler then.  As I struggle through another job search today over a dozen years later, wow, how times have changed.  The recruiter I used has since retired.  The website where the job was posted no longer exists.  (Do people even get responses when applying online any more?)  What really caught my attention were the papers.  They were faded, a bit warped and yellow.  Kind of like my life right now.

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Talk and no action.

I’d been at a deadlock with my resume for some time, so I decided to look back at a few old files on my computer.  I found a career plan and mission statement I’d completely forgotten.  The document wasn’t that old — created about 5 years ago.  What struck me were so many of the things I wanted to change were still unchanged and my sentiments were brutally honest — very raw.  I couldn’t avoid what was in front of me: Doing nothing truly gets you nowhere.

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When it still feels like it was yesterday.

And then I found something I really wished I hadn’t found — my cousin’s obituary.  It’s been over 23 years since his sudden passing.  I was not in a good place then and I’m not a good place now.  His passing was and still is the single most devastating loss in my life.  I idolized him completely.  He was the big brother I never had — smart, funny, protective, bossy.  We were only 14 months apart.  He was everything.  And three months after I last saw him, he was gone.

Now, I’m left wondering what all this means.  I head into another week with questions and no answers.